Roving Mind.....: July 2010

'Twas the summer of the year 2001..& the heat was intense, as it was supposed to be the one of the most critical period in a future engineer's life. We had been introduced to the real world of science and mathematics last year in class 11th. Calculus and Mechanics were the most fascinating of all subjects, and their father, Sir Newton had attained a divine status. For the first time, there was a goal in life, to somehow reach a destination, nothing less than heaven -- IIT. I had little idea about why it was so important to go there, except that it was everybody's dream, and it was associated with the highest social status and respect one could get at that age. Also, there was a hunch that being there meant learning more about science and maths, in particular, their application - engineering, which had made human lives so comfortable. But it was just a hunch.

School was boring as it kept us away from solving the 'real' problems of Irodov & TMH. Therefore, I always attempted to squeeze as much time as possible from school hours to do what I liked to. That included reading in bus hours, self-study during sleep-inducing lectures, and maximum use of lunch hours. Teenage had set-in and hormonal goose-bumps due to the fairer sex were normal, but the JEE fever was too strong to tame them. Also, there was a stupid ego of masculinity ingrained from childhood that stopped from stooping so 'low' so as to talk to girls. Of course, it was not the same with 90% of the class at school. Some of them paid attention & performed assignments while others flattered teachers and had mastered the art of passing by hook or crook. They also paid enormous care to attracting the attention of girls and hence, their morning assemblies, lunch breaks and bus hours were put to a better use than mine. Obviously, girls enjoyed that and knew how to keep the guys running around. They were just like a chained dog that runs tirelessly in circle hoping to grip a bone totally out of its reach. Occasionally, one or two did manage to get hold of the bone, and they were the inspiration for the rest. However, I was out of that league, perhaps for better or worse.

Morning assemblies in DAV used to be good with a vedic school song in sanskrit and national anthem followed by the pledge, played with drumbeats. The pledge, which went like --"India is my country, all Indians are my brothers and sisters...." never used to augur well with boys and they'd modified it suitably. I didn't mind saying the original one, but couldn't help smiling when I heard the guys reciting a modified version.

It was the morning of July 25th and I was watching the preparations of the morning assembly. Just minutes before the assembly proceedings, a fair bespectacled girl, my classmate whose name I was almost sure was Sneha, approached me. I thought she was going to walk past me so I stepped aside and gave her the way.

But she stopped, and said "Hi!, Avishek". I looked around if there was anyone else with the same name, but she had pronounced the 'V' in my name correctly, so it really was me she was talking to. I replied, unable to hide my bewilderment, "Oh! Hi". She gauged my astonishment and said "I'm Sneha, I'm in your class".

" I know that ! We've been in the same class for over an year now." I muttered. Boys always know the names of all girls in their class, one because of the skewed gender ratio, and two, because they are girls.

"Yes but you hardly speak to anyone, so I really doubt you know everyone", she sounded logical, but I couldn't accept it.

"Yes, I come to school just for getting attendance, so your observation is right, but not your conclusion. I know everyone, at least their names."

"But you never talk...", she was saying something before I interrupted,

"Yes, I do",

but she interrupted me back "...you never talk to girls".

I was mum, as she was cent-per-cent right. "Actually, I'm generally occupied with something or the other, never got a chance to talk to you all, and then there are many boys, too with whom I don't generally interact. There is no reason as such.", I tried to save the situation. I knew that my non-involvement in class, had raised the curiosity of girls, but I presumed they knew the reason, too.

"How was the maths test yesterday, how did it go ?", she changed the topic to my relief.

"It was easy, simple chain-rule based problems of differentiation", I replied back, "How was yours ?".

"Well, I was absent the day it was taught, so I had no idea what to do, lets leave it", she replied and continued "Anyway its assembly time, see you later, bye!". I was just now shaken out of my minds pre-occupation in integrals and free-body diagrams, and I said to myself "Did she just talk to me ??". Sneha was pretty, so I said again, "Did she really talk to me ??"

The day passed quickly, and I made a few glances to the place where she used to sit, and found her staring back in one of them. Luckily, no one from my class had noticed me talking to her or vice versa. On reaching back home, the morning events memory had to fade, as I had a test in my coaching center, that demanded immediate focus. I screwed up the test, as the problems of rotational mechanics were difficult, and it left me thinking if there was still a loophole in my understanding. Next morning, I was reminded of the previous day's excitement only when the morning assembly was about to start and I found myself standing at the same place. I was dazed when she appeared in front of me, just at the moment I thought of her.

"Good morning, are you Ok?", Sneha said.

"I didn't sleep well", I replied.

"I know, you must have studied all night", she retorted.

"No, I never do that, I couldn't sleep well as I screwed up in a test at my coaching.", was my reply.

"You ? I can't believe it, you top exams here without attending classes, how is that possible ?", was an instant reply from her.

"Sneha, look, they're different types of exams, you can't compare them!", I retorted. I couldn't tolerate anyone comparing the JEE problems with school standard, even though they'd marauded my sleep. She was a bit taken aback at my way of response and I immediately tried to salvage, "How about you? What's up?" "Nothing much. I'm thinking of getting tuition by our maths teacher, Mr Sinha".

"Don't ! He's aweful. I can teach better, if only I had time.", I replied without thinking, then realized I had been boastful.

"I don't have a choice, if he tutors me, at least I'm assured of getting good marks in school", she said.

"That maybe true!", I said smiling,"But you can get a good score even without it, if you work hard. And think about the boards, not these school exams".

"Thats, true...",she replied and then added, " You look so cute when you smile". I stood silent for a moment, thinking if I heard her correct.

I looked at her, she was at peace, with no intentions of flirt in her eyes. "I think its time for assembly, we should go", I said and rushed to join the line. I didn't look at her during the day, but her words kept ringing in my ears. The last period was idle and I was mulling over a mechanics problem, trying to get rid of morning memories, when I heard it again.

"You're so cute...". Astonished, I turned to look and found my classmate Shekhar staring at me naughtily. "You're so cute, Avishek" he repeated. "What do you mean ?", I questioned. "Don't be so innocent ! Sneha told you that you're cute, didn't she ? And now everyone knows that !". I couldn't imagine the situation, perhaps this guy was present near us in morning and overheard our conversation, and now he has told everyone. That explains the extra smirks I'd been getting all day. But how could he tell everyone ?

"Ohh, thats not a big deal, a lot of people are cute", I pretended to be innocent.

"Ohh are they ? But apparently she has told it only to you. And mind you its Sneha.". Shekhar was quick. Shekhar was among the naughtiest in class, and I couldn't imagine the extent he could go to tease someone including girls. "She has a crush on you", he concluded.

"C'mmon she just said what came to her mind then, why are you drawing conclusions ?", I tried to pacify him, but he was unrelenting. Half of what he said made sense, as it was extremely unusual for a girl to say that in public, and that too to someone she didn't even know. But what if she'd just spoken impromptu, and it was just a compliment.

I tried hard but kept thinking about the incident all the way home. On reaching home, my mom noticed some extra lines on my forehead, but thought I must be tired. When she found me the same after an hour, she inquired, "Are you Ok? You look occupied.".

"Its nothing. A girl came and talked to me....", I said though I was unsure about what to say.

"Is that all ? What did she talk about ?", she laughed.

"Just usual class related stuff, but she also said I was cute.",I emptied my mind, thinking it would help me. "Accha (Ohh) ??", she was much serious now, "what kind of a girl is she ?".

"I don't know. This was only the second time she spoke with me, first one being yesterday.", I told the truth. Mom kept quite for some time.

"Stay away from girls like these! They speak sweet words to make you fall for them; and then make you work and spend for them.", she postulated. Although some girls actually did that, I protested, "Ma, how can you generalize? May be she just wants to make me a friend."

"Don't you have enough friends? And do you have time for them ?", she queried, "Do whatever you want when you reach IIT. Not now." I thought it wise to not take it further and went for my afternoon siesta. I somehow tried to repress my thoughts, but only until the next morning. This time I took care to stand some where else, and watch if she came looking for me. She didn't. Perhaps, the whole class knew about yesterday's episode (thanks to Shekhar!!) and she didn't want to take any more risks. I was both happy and sad. We didn't see each other on that day, and I thought I could finally concentrate on my studies. I could never imagine about a bigger distraction that was in store for me.

Shekhar and his class associates had transmitted the information all across and it had spread in all sections, word-to-mouth. Now everyone I met asked with an unusual smile," How do you do ?"...and without waiting for my answer .." I heard you're doing great these days."

"I'm good, as always", I replied showing everything was normal. I'd thought this would exist for some time and then dissolve, but I was wrong. A week passed, and everyday some guy would tell me that I was cute, and would look for my reaction. I never imagined people could be so cruel, even my so-called friends. I don't know what was the condition with Sneha as I knew that her friends were champion teasers, too. Sometimes when the teacher would call my name during attendance, it was followed by "..so cute" from somewhere in the class, followed by a giggle from everyone else. I had no choice but to giggle myself, not letting the embarrassment show on my face. It could come anytime from anywhere, and I got a respite only when I got down from school bus. Ten days had passed and it had almost become like a torture for me. Now people had given unsolicited names to Sneha, which I wasn't comfortable to hear, and couldn't imagine what she would think of them. She would come to school alternate days, and people would ask me why she was absent. I wanted to talk to her to share our agony, but there was no way I could. I decided to end it some way, but found it difficult to figure out how. It had started from Shekhar, and had to end through him. That day when he met me with a smile, I interrupted, "I know I'm cute, so what ?".

"I was going to ask your physics lab notebook.", he smirked. "I see you're not talking to Sneha these days. What happened ?".

"Listen, I don't have any such feelings for her, which you think, and neither does she. All you guys are alike for me." He replied with a laughter, which really annoyed me, "She's like my sister, and I can prove it on the day of the Rakhee. And I don't care what you guys think.", I said without thought and left.

I recalled and mulled over what I'd said. I didn't mean it, but I was sure, it would make the class silent. I opened my school diary to check homework, when I accidentally saw the calender. 'Rakhee' was on the day after tomorrow, August 6, 2001,and it was a holiday. "Thank God!", I said to myself. The class was silent the entire day. Perhaps it had worked, I thought ! In the last period, Shekhar came upto me and told, "Sorry, we should not have teased you about someone whom you regarded as a sister. I told this to class, including Sneha." I felt like getting up and slapping him, but somehow controlled myself. I was quite sure I didn't have any sisterly feelings for her. She was just a classmate, and we could be friends, good friends. I kept thinking if what I did was right, and what would she think of me. Was it a cheap act? Would she realize my predicament ? I was sure she was going through similar one,too. But she didn't do anything stupid like me. Why did I ? Now, she had another peer pressure - the pressure of proving that she thought of me in the same way. I felt like bunking school the next day, but decided against that. Nobody said anything that day, and I continued in my usual routine. There was an unusual excitement among girls that day since the morning period. Sneha came late, in the first period, just before attendance. Apparently, she too had felt like bunking, but finally decided to come. During the break time, I was alone in class, in my seat solving some problems sheets. Sneha entered and went to her seat, in the opposite end to mine. I felt like getting up and talking to her, but something stopped me. Moments later, I sensed she was walking towards me. She came and just stood near me, quiet. Then she opened her fist and there it was - a Rakhee. I looked at it, but didn't have courage to look at her. I just extended my right hand, and she tied it, still quiet. I wanted to explain the situation to her but my throat went dry with guilt. We exchanged a last glance, and everything was said, perhaps. As soon as she left, other girls entered the class, saw me, my wrist, and giggled.

I had mixed feelings about the incident. On one hand I thought I was freed of all distractions, on the other I thought I'd lost a possible friend. I had always felt girls and boys could be very good friends. Perhaps Sneha felt that, too. If she really had had a crush on me, she would never do this. She had proved it. Or was she under peer pressure ? I didn't know and couldn't think of a way to know. After much effort to calm myself, I concluded that now I could talk to her freely like a brother, and no one in the class could say anything. Such is the pressure of our society and its weird norms! Do we have to bow to them ? Many conflicting questions continued to raid my turbulent mind. I was sure of only one thing - I was sure that she was hurt.

I went home and found my mausi (mom's sister) had come. She saw the rakhee on my hand and immediately inquired, "Rakhee is tomorrow, na ? And you have a sister in your school, too". I smiled. Every year, I used to get a dozen rakhees tied, some from my cousin sisters and some from girls in neighborhood whom I was socially related since childhood. It had been ensured that we'd followed the DAV pledge without even knowing it. My mom was surprised, and asked me the same question , "Who has tied this ?".

"Its from Sneha, about whom I told you a week before. I told in class that I thought of her like a sister, so she had to do it.", I replied.

"Ohh! good girl.", my mom felt relieved. Then she narrated the whole 'so cute' story to my mausi (mother's sister), and they both laughed their hearts out.

"Ohh...so little Avi has grown up now, but you are really cute.", mausi replied, still smiling. The word 'cute' was a mockery for me. I looked at mom angrily and said, "You all are responsible for this. Your society and your mindset, it has forced her to do this. Anyway she is my sister now, and please don't think or say bad about her, at least from now on." Mausi was surprised at my unprecedented outbreak, Mom realised this and said, "Leave it son, you look tired. Have food and take some rest, before you leave for coaching. And focus!... you know on what."

"I know that, thanks for reminding", I said and left. I never hid my emotions from my mom, and only she knew how angry I could get, at times. I was angry at no one but myself.

On the way back from coaching, I bought some gifts for Sneha, a greeting card, a cute little maths handbook, and a pen which had tiny mirrors and pretty stone chips engraved on it. I was fine with her being my sister, but I was not sure if she was. I had some things to tell her and some things to ask, and the best way was to write a letter. I apologized and mentioned about how the class had pestered me, and how it led to my reaction. It sounded like an excuse, but I felt she would believe it. I also wrote that I held the thread as very sacred, and I will be present for her anytime she needed me. I also offered to help her with maths, if needed. After the holiday, when the school reopened I went to the same place where we first talked. She didn't come. The reason could have been anything, but I felt it was because of me. I waited again the next day. I saw her alighting from bus and going towards the assembly. I approached her, and she stopped when she saw me. Now, I didn't care what people thought. I said,

"Hi! How have you been? You were absent yesterday, weren't you ?."

"I wasn't feeling well." I wanted to ask 'why' but perhaps I knew.

"Ohh ! Hope you're feeling better now ! This is for you!". I gave the gift to her and said, "It also has a letter. Tell me what you think. Talk to me whenever you feel like.".

"Thank you.", was her only reply. Some how I felt she wasn't enthusiastic about talking to me. And she wasn't the same bubbly-cheerful as the last time. I wanted to know what was on in her mind, and wished I could read it.

In class nobody said anything about it, though I was sure many guys had seen me approaching her and handing over a gift. It was very strange. One incident had changed everything. Days passed. Everything suddenly returned to the way it was before the incident. But now the guys never indulged in the normal 'filthy' talk about girls near me, as they were afraid I could pass the information. I was happy about the change of attitude. What I did was a blunder induced by society, a social blunder. Perhaps it was good for me, that's what I thought, but what was the cost paid?. Obviously, I was wrong.

At times, I waited for her at the same place before morning assemblies. But now, she used to come late, during assembly. She never made an attempt to talk even during lunch break. And I was too introvert to talk. I wasn't sure of what she thought. And I couldn't figure out how to start a conversation. I decided to keep myself busy, wait and concentrate. My wait never ended, but the year did. Boards went reasonably well, thanks to the gaps CBSE gives between exams. JEE used to be a nightmare, and continued to be, for many subsequent years. Other things became so important that this trivial episode went into a corner of my memory. It would have been flushed out, but for an incident later in life, that refreshed all memories.

To be continued........................

All characters in this story (except me) are fictitious and any resemblance to an actual event is purely unintended.

Roving Mind.....

Pages

Saturday, July 31, 2010

हम करें राष्ट आराधन

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

True Love

Looking back in time

Friday, July 23, 2010

Social Blunder

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Palanquin Bearers

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Haunted